“How are you?”
“Fine thanks. You?”
“Yeah, good thanks.”
It’s a conversation most of us have all the time. There’s nothing wrong with asking someone how they are, but it’s become such a familiar greeting that we often answer without really thinking about it.
Sometimes that’s absolutely fine. We don’t need to have a meaningful conversation every time we make a cup of tea.
But what if you genuinely want to know how someone is?
There’s plenty of advice about asking more meaningful questions. The problem is that some of the suggested alternatives don’t sound much like things people actually say.
“What is bringing you joy today?”
“What is your biggest challenge right now?”
Perfectly reasonable questions in the right setting. But try asking one unexpectedly while standing next to someone at the kettle and you may get a very different reaction.
Better conversations don’t necessarily need more profound questions. Sometimes a small change to an ordinary question is enough.
“How have things been for you lately?”
Instead of asking someone to sum up how they are right now, you’re giving them a bit more room. They can tell you about their day, their week or whatever has been going on recently, an ordinary question like you really want to know the answer.
“You don’t seem quite yourself today. How are things?
This one starts with noticing. Perhaps someone is quieter than usual, seems distracted or just doesn’t seem themselves. Saying what you’ve noticed lets them know you’ve been paying attention and gives them an opportunity to tell you more if they want to.
“How are you feeling?”
It’s only a tiny change from “How are you?”, but it can be enough to interrupt the usual “Fine thanks” exchange. Asking how someone is feeling invites them to think for a moment before answering.
Of course, none of these questions guarantees that someone will open up. They may not want to talk and that’s their choice.
The question is only part of the conversation anyway.
If we want people to give us more than the automatic answer, we need to be genuinely interested in what comes next. That means listening, resisting the urge to jump in and giving someone enough time to work out what they actually want to say.
Better conversations don’t require a collection of clever questions.
Sometimes they just start with asking an ordinary question like you really want to know the answer.
